Relaxing Into Love: Letting a Relationship Be What It Is
- Deb Eternal
- Jan 19
- 3 min read
There is a quiet truth many of us learn the long way around: we don’t have to have it all figured out, especially not in love.
So much tension in relationships doesn’t come from what is happening, but from what we think should be happening.
Expectations sneak in quietly, dressed as care, advice, or concern. Before we know it, we’re offering our “two cents’ worth” when what’s really needed is presence, patience, and trust.
There is a calmer way to be together.
Expectation Is the Mother of Disappointment
We often enter relationships, or continue with them with invisible checklists:
How someone should respond
How quickly they should change
How love should look, sound, or feel
When those expectations aren’t met, disappointment follows, not because the relationship is broken, but because reality didn’t match the story in our head.
The truth is simpler and kinder: people unfold at their own pace. Relationships do too.
As the Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius once reflected:
“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.”
Tolerance here doesn’t mean indifference: it means allowing space. Space for learning. Space for mistakes. Space for growth.
Encouragement Over Correction
Many of us believe we’re being helpful when we offer advice. Sometimes we are. But often, advice is a subtle form of control, a way of managing our own discomfort when someone we love is struggling.
Encouragement, on the other hand, says:
I see you.
I trust your ability to find your way.
I’m here with you, not above you.
Encouragement doesn’t rush. It doesn’t interrupt. It listens without preparing a response.
And listening—real listening—is one of the most relaxing gifts we can offer another person.
When Advice Isn’t an Attack
Just as offering advice can sometimes create tension, taking offence can too, especially when the advice wasn’t meant to wound, but to help.
Many people give advice as a reflex of care. It’s their way of saying “I’m with you”, even if it doesn’t always land that way. When we take immediate offence, we may be reacting not to the advice itself, but to an old feeling underneath it: not being seen, not being trusted, or not feeling capable.
Before assuming harm, it can help to pause and ask:
Was this meant to hurt—or to help?
What tone am I hearing, and what tone was likely intended?
Often, the intent is kinder than our first reaction suggests.
What to Do Instead of Taking Offence
Instead of closing down or feeling diminished, try one of these softer responses:
Acknowledge the care:“I know you’re trying to help—thank you.”
Create clarity without conflict: “I’m not looking for advice right now, but I appreciate you caring.”
Stay curious rather than defensive: “Can you tell me what made you think of that?”
Give yourself permission to filter: Not all advice needs to be accepted, or rejected. Some can simply pass through without ceremony.
Taking offence often escalates tension. Curiosity and clarity tend to dissolve it.
Learning to Relax Together in a Relationship
Relaxing in a relationship doesn’t mean disengaging or not caring. It means loosening our grip on outcomes.
It looks like:
Allowing silence without filling it
Letting a moment pass without analysing it
Accepting that today doesn’t need to resolve tomorrow.
When we relax, we create emotional safety. When we feel safe, we grow. And when both people feel safe, the relationship breathes.
For Those Who Find This Hard
If you’re someone who struggles to relax in relationships, be gentle with yourself. Often, this habit comes from caring deeply, from wanting things to be right, from fearing loss or misunderstanding.
Start small:
Pause before responding
Ask, “Do they need advice—or do they need understanding?”
Choose reassurance over resolution.
These small shifts can change the entire tone of a relationship.
Love doesn’t need constant improvement—it needs room to breathe.
When we stop adding our two cents, we often discover something richer was already there: connection, calm, and the quiet encouragement that says, we’re in this together, just as we are.
A Shared Responsibility
Relaxed relationships are built on a mutual understanding:
One person learns to offer less unsolicited advice
The other learns not to personalise every suggestion
Both are acts of emotional maturity.
When we assume goodwill first, we soften the space between us. When we remember that love speaks in different languages, we become less reactive and more resilient together.
A Gentle Closing Thought
Sometimes the most healing shift is this: not every suggestion is a judgement, and not every reaction needs a defence.
That’s where calm begins—right there, in the pause before we take offence.
Let Love Win
Namaste`
Deb xx
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