Grandparents and Big Emotions: Very Questionable Impartiality
A grandchild's tears have a remarkable ability to turn an otherwise sensible adult into a completely irrational grandparent.
Not the I dropped my biscuit cry. Or the outraged howl because someone dared suggest shoes might be required before leaving the house. I mean those enormous little-person emotions that seem far too big for the body trying to contain them.
Parents, quite rightly, have a job to do. There are boundaries to hold, behaviour to correct and lessons that cannot always be abandoned because a small person has dissolved into tears. Children need parents who can withstand the storm occasionally and still say, “No.”
Grandparents, however, appear to have been issued entirely different operating instructions.
We hear the same tears and immediately begin wondering whether the United Nations should be contacted.
This is particularly curious because many grandparents were once the parents holding those very boundaries. We survived tantrums in supermarkets, arguments over bedtime, sibling wars, slammed doors and declarations that we were the worst mother or father in the entire history of civilisation. We knew perfectly well that children could be furious with us and still be deeply loved.
Then grandchildren arrive.
When Grandchildren Change Everything
Suddenly, a trembling bottom lip can dismantle decades of parenting experience.
All those years of knowing when to stand firm, when to say no and when to let a tantrum run its course seem to fly straight out the window. We haven't forgotten what it takes to raise children. We remember it all too well. But watching from the grandparent sidelines is an entirely different experience, especially when every instinct is telling us to scoop up that little person and make everything better.
Meanwhile, Mum and Dad are doing exactly what we once had to do, and we're standing there wondering whether a cuddle might constitute interfering with parental authority.
We also get to see something parents sometimes cannot see while standing in the middle of it: underneath difficult behaviour, there can be a little person still learning what to do with anger, disappointment, frustration, embarrassment and sadness.
That doesn't mean every big emotion should change a boundary. Love isn't always giving a child what they want. Sometimes it is sitting nearby while they discover that disappointment feels awful but passes. Sometimes it is a cuddle after the storm.
Sometimes it is allowing Mum or Dad to be Mum or Dad even when every grandparent instinct is whispering, Surely this child has suffered enough. Someone get him a biscuit!
Grandparents and Big Emotions: Knowing When to Step Back
And there lies the delicate art of grandparenting. Grandparents and big emotions can be quite a combination, especially when those emotions belong to the grandchildren we adore. We can be the soft place without undermining the people doing the hard everyday work. We can listen. We can cuddle. We can remind a little person that having enormous feelings doesn't make them bad. And occasionally, we can quietly remove ourselves before we interfere because our grandparent heart has absolutely no objectivity whatsoever.
There may also be an apology owed to our own grown children.
Sorry.
Apparently, we were capable of extraordinary patience, endless cuddles and overlooking a surprising amount of nonsense.
We just didn't discover the full extent of these abilities until you gave us grandchildren.
Funny how that worked out.
A Thought to Take With You
Grandparents don't have to rescue grandchildren from every difficult feeling. Sometimes being the always-ready-for-a-cuddle pair of arms waiting on the other side is more than enough.
And to the parents doing the important work of raising those little humans, spare a thought for the grandparent nearby. While you're holding boundaries and helping your child navigate those enormous emotions, they may be quietly fighting back tears of their own, exercising a mountain of restraint to avoid launching a full-scale rescue mission. Every fibre of their being might be begging them to scoop up that distressed little person and make everything right again.
And if they happen to wander in to check whether everything is okay, be kind. Chances are, their feet moved before their common sense had time to intervene. They're doing their best to respect your parenting, even if their grandparent heart is staging a rather dramatic protest.
After all, grandchildren aren't the only ones learning to manage big emotions. Apparently, grandparents are still working on that too.
Namaste
Deb xx
Thoughtful writing across life, mind, and meaning.
A Little Something for Grandparents
For those moments when your grandchild's big emotions are giving you even bigger ones, we've got a little survival guide. A gentle reminder to breathe, respect the parenting boundaries, and, when all else fails, make yourself a cup of tea.
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